Okay, the reflective zen mode that I was in a month ago is definitely fading. Where starting my mornings off with a blank screen once seemed like an endless pasture of creative opportunities now feels like a diving board into a pool of alligators. It doesn’t help that I’ve been allowing the things that feed my reflective state dissipate as well. I’m starting to fill my head with podcasts about things I don’t care about, instead of letting my mind wander, again. I’m putting my phone away later into the night and reaching for it earlier in the mornings. Last night I did that thing where I checked my email before bed as a means to “relax,” got a jarring notification, and ended up in front of my computer for another hour balancing my finances. Mornings like this are what I mean when I talk about sitting in the backseat of my life. My time end up being given to the fastest, earliest, loudest bidder. But this is all completely under my control, which isn’t to say that it’s simple to overcome. Recognizing that things are under your control assume that control is something you’re practiced in wielding. When people say that “it’s all under your control,” I’m sure they imagine you as a Mary Poppins of the situation, where problems and solutions rise with the flick of a finger and neatly situate themselves where appropriate. But the truth is many of us have been raised not to be in control but to be disciplined, amenable, controllable. In many situations, recognizing that everything is “under my control” feels more like a child who was just handed the throne. What is it that I’m supposed to govern? And how? Simply because it’s supposed to be my domain doesn’t mean I know exactly what to do with it. If there’s anything that today’s world tells us, it’s that things being “all under your control” doesn’t mean that it’s best that way. Last month, I did feel a sense of intentful governance in all I did. Things seemed under my control, and my control was under my control. I leave for London tonight, and ironically these moments of jetsetting have become my opportunities to catch up with myself. Something about being forced to sit still for so many hours, with no responsibility aside from letting your chair get you from point A to B. Maybe it’s actually for the better, to let someone else drive for awhile.