if yesterday was about waking up with a vivid resolve to pursue all the things that i want to do but have been putting off, today is about liberating myself from all the things that i’ve been putting off because i’m actually never going to do them. like, let’s stop kidding ourselves. i’m never going to learn turkish.
this isn’t turkey’s fault, and it’s not mine. but given that i’ve also set myself up to learn ASL, spanish, french, arabic, mandarin, and austrian german, yet still can’t even speak canto as fluently as i did when i was 5, it’s safe to say i’ll never effectively haggle for saffron in istanbul.
over the years, i’ve accumulated so many aspirations, most of them motivated by a mental snapshot of a future-me who is a polyglot aquaponics carpenter who moonlights as a DJ yet still rises with the sun. this future-me also keeps in touch with everybody i’ve ever had a vaguely interesting conversation with, in between disappearing into month-long silent retreats.
so today i’m focusing on moving things from my bucket list to my fuckit list, as in “i know i told myself i’d learn how to surf, but fuckit.” or “i know i intended to rekindle my bond with my best friend from third grade, but fuckit.” for each thing i add to my fuckit list, there is a voice (that sounds like someone else but who is actually me) saying “so you’re NOT going to read every single toni morrison novel? i thought you were cultured!” but this voice comes from a guilt that appears every time i chill for even a moment, that nags me for not using that time to finally learn C++ or capoeira. my wild curiosity has led me to some of my most cherished skills, rewarding experiences, and deepest friendships, but it also keeps me restless with countless goals that i never ran through a filter, but that now appear as failures because i never reached them.
today i am admitting that i’m surrounded by goals with no intention attached to them. adriel: you’re never going to join a dragon boat team or learn how to forage and then dry roast your own seaweed. it’s fine.