there’s a sensation that comes upon me almost everyday by the mid-afternoon, as if by routine. at a certain point in the day, i’ll take a look at the time, and think to myself, i haven’t done ANYTHING.
this, of course, is never true. even on the mornings where i wake up late, skip meditation and go straight to endless scrolling on my phone, i’ve done something. actually, i’ve done a shit ton of things. i’ve probably read several news articles, caught up on a bunch of friends’ updates, caught up on a bunch of strangers’ updates, deleted some junkmail from my inbox, considered updating my linkedin, decided that i shouldn’t waste my time updating my linkedin, and scrolled past a few dozen thoughts, ideas, and happenings that my brain has decided not to register.
but i know that the expression i haven’t done anything is not to be remedied with the silliness of facts or reality. the anything in question isn’t just any anything, it’s actually quite a specific kind of anything – it’s specifically something tethered to whatever it is that i’m feeling at the time is all that matters.
when i’m in the thick of an unhealthy work period, the i haven’t done anything is usually dependent on whatever i may or may not have decided would entail a productive day at my job. during this time, the only way to really avoid feeling like i haven’t done anything at 3pm is to have spent at least 4 hours straight specifically writing and responding to emails, archiving emails, deleting emails, generating memos, being on calls, turning in paperwork, or other bureaucratic gymnastics. such days usually require me to forego meditation, exercise, breakfast, hydrating myself, being creative, talking to loved ones, and sometimes even going to the bathroom. those are the days where i feel completely depleted, back and eyes sore, but where i can easily comfort myself by saying today was so productive.
and so today i’m fighting everything in me that wants to set off the i haven’t done anything today alarm. the fact that this is a struggle for me, on sunday, amidst a lockdown, is a testament to how severely skewed my notion of anything is. in fact, i now have a whole 5-paragraph post to address this very topic – a feat which, by its very existence, already disqualifies me from making today actually a day of not doing anything. but not too long ago, a writing routine like this was so far from my notion of doing anything that it was nothing. so the fact that i showed up here today – that’s truly something.