lately, i’ve been hearing a lot of people saying that this period has them “feeling off.” it describes a misalignment from one’s self, an idealized self. the opposite of this “off” self is usually one who is sharp, energized, on their a-game, and most of all, productive. off-ness is depicted as an ailment, even a sense of being dispossessed. no matter that this off self may be more reflective, sensitive, and gentler than the on self. the circumstance of being off is portrayed as problematic. like a washing machine, we are who we are meant to be only when we’re on.
but if one of my biggest concerns lately has been my fatigue from constantly being on, what’s actually wrong with feeling off for a change? for so long, i’ve only allowed myself to be a very specific, strategic off – as represented by sleep, and the occasional vacation (aka “day off”). these off-times are still in service of coming back on – to work, to performing in social situations, to being my “best self,” which it seems is fundamentally about being my most productive self. rest is justifiable only when it’s framed in productive terms itself. i’m not dormant – i’m recharging, regenerating, restoring. can’t you see, even when i’m off, i’m on!
i’ve been reading andré gorz, who in ecologica breaks down how the introduction of “full-time” as a concept of labor affected our individual senses of self: non-working time was to remain the time of private existence, entertainment, rest, and ‘holidaying’…holidays are, above all else, a programmed interruption of working life, a time of pure consumption that does not form part of everyday life, enhance it with new dimensions, confer increased autonomy on it or give it a content other than the narrowly occupational. we are only on (functional, valuable, actual) when we’re at work. if my full-time is dedicated to work, then i should assume that my time not working is an empty-time, a negative space in which i’m not only taking a break from working, i’m taking a break from being at all. thus, the less i work, the more i feel off. the more i feel off, the more i feel empty.
and since we are defined by what we do, being “on” means being “me.” so the more off i am, the less me i am.
i’ve been trying to get a sense of my innate value – what makes me myself when it’s not based on productivity, service, or contribution. a big part of that has been in becoming familiar, comfortable, and in full embrace of “feeling off” – and accepting it as a sensation that is a necessary, beautiful, and valuable part of being me.