i’m oscillating, yall. lately my plug on the internet has been putting me on two trains of thought. one is about how this is such a wonderful time to get to all the things that you’ve always been meaning to but hadn’t had the time or energy to, and the other is about how you actually don’t have to do anything at all because it’s the perfect time to rethink our relationship with capitalism (as if rethinking my relationship with capitalism isn’t actually a really huge fucking thing to be doing as an alternative to doing something).
my issue with how this binary has been framed is that both sides assume that the question is about motivation – that it’s what’s driving people to come out so quickly with art, programs, and community responses, and if you’re not one of those people then it must be primarily due to anxiety, overwhelm, or in opposition of being constructive.
it’s very true that a lot of what is being produced is powered by the momentum of capitalistic productivity’s pace, and that a lot of why some people have not acted or responded publicly is due to mental and emotional conditions. but not always. i’ve been feeling both and none, at different times.
i’ve been working on something on the smithsonian side that i hope will be helpful………that said, i’ve trashed my original idea of getting it out by THIS WEEK. in the original schema, the project was overdue as soon as i came up with the concept. i fall victim to that a lot. it’s a twitch i have from my upbringing in college activism, where everything needed to be an immediate reaction in order to be most effective. revolution on a sizzling plate.
i think that kind of nimble work is always important and i’m glad there are people doing it, but that’s not who i am anymore. over the past week i’ve been figuring out how to reintroduce work into my life in a way that doesn’t disturb my writing and meditation routines, my increased frequency of connections with my family, and my sleep. it has meant a lot of sitting around being bored while bracing myself for all the things that i genuinely want to do, just not right now. it’s an active not right now, not procrastination, which is a passive one.
i’m realizing that what motivates me right now is a combination of an excellent idea and a healthy pace which allows me to come around to it each time when my heart and mind is open. typically, that doesn’t equate to eight hours of anything in a single day, and often doesn’t mean it should be tended to daily. it’s a lesson that i’ve been learning from all my new house plants, some of which either whither or drown if i try to divvy up my attention to them equally.
slowtivation = resting assured that what i’m working on is going to be best when given the time to ripen