I’m still not sure what’s more exhausting – having a lot of things to do, or not having a lot of things to and feeling guilty about it. I had convinced myself that two weeks in the Philippines with really no assignments other than to write a short paper and journal each day was a light enough load. Today I board my flight out, and I’ve written exactly three times (including rn) and have not even loaded a new document to start that paper. Meanwhile, I’ve been doing exactly what I told myself I wouldn’t do – waking up in the morning and immediately scrolling through my phone. On my feed are articles and videos that used to capture my imagination – calls to “unlock your potential” and “increase productivity.” In reality, all I want to do is luxuriate in my inertia and understand my value as a human being when I’m not being productive at all. I would consider this an excuse to be lazy, if I wasn’t so burnt out. Can one be burnt out and lazy at the same time? Lately I’ve been thinking about what it means to have a healthy relationship with capitalism, if that is to exist at all. Most of the talk about resisting the temptations of capitalism have to do with money – not falling into massive dept or being addicted with spending money or procuring the things that money affords. But what about the other aspect, the spending of time and energy? It’s here that we all know that we don’t have bottomless accounts, but without having a grasp of how much time is left in life, or what it truly means to be depleted of energy, I just spend and spend and spend. Sometimes I spend even while thinking that I’m relaxing. All the tasks that run through my mind during meditation, checking my emails while hanging out with my loved ones, having a great day and then going to bed feeling guilty that I didn’t post or journal about it. The productivity complex has a grasp on me in ways that I’m fortunate that money doesn’t, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve got it any more figured out when it comes to the game of capitalism. As the holidays approach, yet another light at the end of the tunnel that might must be a mirage. Yet another transition of years that I aspire to be smooth sailing but that might end up actually chew me up and spit me into 2020. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for this time that I’ve had to rest, because I recognize that so many others don’t have this luxury. But still, can I feel tired after a vacation without the burden of feeling guilty about that, too?