I came into this week – the last week of my 34th year, feeling like I was just making it.
I have to couch that phrase.
I wasn’t “just” making it in terms of rent, food, companionship, community, creative fulfillment, or personal safety. Everything just seemed to be moving way too fast, including myself. My attempts to limit my internet use felt like trying to stop a spigot with my palms, and by switching over to books I found myself replacing triggering headlines with existential dilemmas and bigger pictures to concern myself with.
The perfect term for this feeling is whelmed. Modern use of the term is all but nonexistent, though we’ve come to use its extremities – overwhelmed and underwhelmed – regularly in our lexicon. In fact, the dictionary definition of whelmed pretty much gives it up as a synonym to overwhelmed which I think describes our society and times in a nutshell. But to be whelmed is different. It still leaves opportunity for control. It’s submergence without being swept by the tide. You still have a choice.
There’s nothing wrong with being submerged as long as you can tread and can understand breath control. My goal wasn’t to become over or under, to just be. The solutions I found for the past few days is so specific and short-lived so far that I don’t know how helpful it would be to anyone else, but since I find myself in a constant cat-and-mouse game for my own gravity I figure at the very least I can leave this breakdown here for myself to rediscover during moments of disillusion:
Honor my spiritual pasts: As you know, I’ve been meditating every morning for the past 2 years. It’s the longest I’ve gone with this routine, but every time I do it there’s a part of me that recalls another period in my life when I was meditating in the evenings. They felt like the more magical years, when life seemed less complicated and I could recognize the frivolousness of things that entered my thoughts at the time. They didn’t weigh down on me like the concerns of today. I was able to reach what felt like a different state of consciousness – my entire body felt like it was lit up, my lips and eyes would tingle, I’d emerge from my sitting feeling like everything was vibrating. The other night I was finally able to reach that state again, but only through meticulous planning. I set aside the time at night, resisted all stimulants, closed the doors, found the feeling. It came to me before I even cleared my mind. It reminded me that most of this sensation was due to the physical motions with which I was going through my breathing, that it’s not like I ever stopped being able to do it. I was able to let go.
Clear my chores of guilt: I finally got the process going for iLL-Literacy’s iB4the1.1 to be distributed to streaming sites. It took only a single evening, but it’s been on my to-do list since 2014. It was one of those tasks that felt easy to keep kicking down the road, but I eventually realized that breaking the habit of delay was the true challenge. Eventually, it became a “if not yesterday, then why today?” mental block. I can’t say that I thought about it everyday, but since I finally cleared that assignment, I realize how much of a fog it had been in my day-to-day. Such a small, simple, but incredibly intimidating obstacle was finally fielded. What other pebbles in my shoe can I finally stop for a moment to pick out?
Reset the stimulation: I recently cleared my primary stimulants, including decreasing the time I spend on social media, the headlines I read, the podcasts I listen to, the coffee I drink, the sugar I eat, the alcohol I consume, and the television I watch, exchanging it for more time with music, silence, and fruit. In recognizing how much less effort goes into the production and consumption of the latter list versus the former, I realized that the simplicity I desire cannot be found in innovative products or finding some deeper research in how the human psyche works. Physical and mental digestion just happens more smoothly with things that occur naturally, that contribute to the balance of the universe. This new dynamic has made it easier for me to sleep earlier and deeper, think with more complexity, and not feel like a passenger in my own mental state.
On Sunday, amidst a beautiful, sunny bike ride home, I stopped by the water and laid on the grass. But I found myself getting up every 15 minutes, putting on my shoes, and getting ready to leave, only to realize that there were still hours of coveted sunshine left and I had absolutely nothing on my to-do list that was demanding my attention. Where was a rushing off to? Or did I just feel like I needed to keep on moving, hitting as many destinations as possible? I’m learning how to slow down while not assuming that doing so means I’m less committed to my creativity, driven in helping address issues of the world, or eager to experience life in abundance. But it’s also helpful to recognize that sometimes the problem isn’t scarcity, and that in itself is a blessing and a privilege.